Uninspired, uncertain, lost, confused. Lacking direction is such a painful feeling. I was in such a rush to do everything and now after I stop and just reflect for one second, I don't know where I'm on a rush to. Why graduate so fast? Where am I even going? College today is all about rush rush rush. Then money money money. The purposes of college in our society today serve different purposes today than yesterday. College today is about setting you up to the fast track of monetary and career success. I think once upon a time, there was less pressure to rush toward such success and take your time to absorb the learning process. Then again, I'm doing literally nothing when it comes to school that does it really matter which goal college serves?

I'm caught in a paradox.

On one hand, I fear that I'll be some poor schmuck living off my parents with no financial prospects or the will to find some. Of course, my parents will support me until finally its unbearable. They'll beg me to get a job or do something w/ my life to which I will respond to by getting a job and just being complacent doing the bare minimum (for some reason I think of American Beauty). I'll never earn the six figures neccessary to own your own home and live independently (forget about buying my parents a retirement home). Women who once found me attractive for my wit, charm, and more importantly, future financial prospects will drop me faster than [insert witty analogy here]. Before I know it, my life has become that insertion. I'll not be able to attract those beautiful women and if I do, I can only think she'll act like Penelope Cruz in Blow when her husband lost his fortune. Incessant bitching, complaining, and general discontent. I'll live the rest of my life wondering how I squandered such opportunity.

On the other hand, I fear that I'll be in excellent financial prospects that I'd be willing to sacrifice family, friends, and life in a slow spiral that culminates in me being retired and uncertain why I spent all my life making this crumbly green paper that has no use to me as a person. How is it even possible that this should happen? One of my best friends, Pam, told me about how a successful friend of her boyfriend's hasn't gone on vacation for 3 years and constantly has to turn down work because he is overflowed with work. When he finally goes on vacation, his clients call him begging him to come back and work. They say they'll double his pay, he refuses, they say they'll triple it, then quadruple it, and before you know it, they named the price that he just can't turn down. He skips vacation and flies back. Imagine that you are lying on the beach with the sun beaming on your back while people are running about, volleyball players calling the score behind you, while calm serenity and relaxation all embodying you. Now imagine that you are offered a million dollars to forego such relaxation temporarily. I think that even relaxation is stressful when you know that the opportunity cost of such relaxation is a million dollars or any other large amount to you. Before you know it, 5 years have past, then 10, then 25, and before you know it 60 and you're old and rich and have skipped all of life. You finally stop and decide to reflect only to realize that you've missed all your vacations, and went to all family events with a beeper and a cell phone ready to get out as soon as the cake is cut because you've got multi-millionaire clients urgently needing your attention. Your children, parents, spouse, and all other family will understand you justify, and before you know it, you're working and those thoughts about family and friends just recede into the background.

Thanksgiving Weekend *MiniUpdate*

Thanksgiving weekend was such a refreshing 4 days. I did all the things that I've been previously doing... namely not doing any work and having a lot of fun. I also got to see a lot of friends.

Utterly Lost

It's times like these that really test me. I'm sure every college student goes through what I'm going through this entire semester. Why am I in school? Why should I bother studying? What use is it? Will I even remember what I'm studying 5 years from today? 10 years?

Then followed by more questions:

What do I want to do w/ my life? What if I'm just a complete failure and I live off my parents for life? Or forget what I want to do w/ my life, what the heck would I even do after I graduate? Will I graduate at this rate? Is it just a temporary motivational cold that'll pass?

All of these questions not only plague me but they immoblize me. Without direction, I don't see any reason to move. With 10 paths in front of you, why get started on one if you're not sure if it'll take you to the right destination. After all, if its wrong, then you have to walk back over the path, then start over on the new path. So I sit in front of the 10 path fork, and I'm trying to decide what path I actually want to take. Of course, it is impossible for me to do so because I've no idea where I want to arrive. I've no idea what destination I want to hit. I realize I'm not completely sure what my long-term goals are. And I've no short-term goals that can augment my lacking long-term goals.

The funny thing is that I was once so sure of what I would do. I thought I had all the answers. I know I don't, and I always to some degree knew that I didn't have all the answers to life. Imagine that! I don't have all the answers! Uncertainty renders me immobile.

I was reading one of my favorite bloggers opinionistas and her recent entry has really striked me as senseful. All this work we do, does it really matter? But what if we don't do it? All the pseudo stress she puts herself under, and her dedication to her job, is it all worth it? Will she even remember it a few years from now? It also puts into question, just how important is it that we remember the things we do? I mean I must of done many significant things as a baby that makes me capable of walking about today, but I certainly don't remember it.

With graduation fast approaching, after spending basically my whole life in school, the swimming pool imitation of the ocean, I don't know if i can swim in the real world, the salty ocean with pounding waves. All I can do is stand here stunted before a fork of 10+ paths and no game plan. What am i going to do w/ my life?

And sadly I know, I'll still be sitting here tomorrow, pondering the same sad question that I just can't answer. What if I never answer it?

You mean she actually has to say yes!?

I'm sitting here quivering while I hold onto my phone. For me, no matter how many times I've done it, calling a girl to ask her out for the first time is just so stressful. People keep saying, "what's the worse that can happen?" And then they say, "the worse she can do is say no."

I thought of a couple of scenarios...

1)I call her making a complete fool of myself. I stutter and stumble over all my words. I can't think of anything to say so I end up on the phone while it is completely silent. Every second will feel like an hour, then i will randomly start blurting things out... talking randomly w/o purpose or direction before finally just hanging up and throwing my phone out the window. As my phone is falling to the ground, I can hear her scream, "No I will not go out with you, and never call me again you psycho motherfu*ker!"

2) I call her and I suavely ask her out. I don't stumble or stutter over my words. I think of all the most witty things to say. She's laughing so hard her stomach could burst. Then I smoothly ask her to eat a restaurant of my choice, to which she says, " Aww your so cute, you're like a brother to me. I don't know if i can eat at the [specified place] at the [specified time]. I'm actually busy all week, then I'm leaving town. Maybe when I come back I'll give you a call... you crack me up so much, anyway, I gotta do some work before my stomach bursts! ta-ta!" click.

Of course, two weeks later I'll inevitably bump into her somewhere, and we'll have the most completely awkward exchange ever, and I won't be able to bear it and I'll climb up to the Campanille, break the bars open with my skull then jump to my death.

Conclusion:
After writing this, I decided that there is no way I could call her. The alternative of never knowing a woman's touch, laughter, or warmth is better than any of the two above scenarios. I've resigned to my fate of dying a lonely old man.

Study? I can't bring myself to do it

I've worked damn hard so that I can study at Berkeley. Now that I am here, I've no desire to study. I don't know how to explain my lacking motivation in academics. I'm not depressed or anything, but I've just no desire to study. I see no negative or positive consequence to my studying. I've always been into learning for the sake of learning, but I don't even know what I want to learn about right now. My day now just consists of sleeping, eating, playing tennis, working out, and socializing. Occassionally I might go to class and sometimes I read a bit. My best friend says that I'm really just a walking stomach, penis, and mouth. I laughed really hard because in some ways, he's completely right.

The Woman is Taking Over...

Epilogue to last story...

I returned home to find:



The furniture at home has been rearranged. There are pictures (edited by Bryce) of all of us including her posted on the wall. Theres a vase in the center of the room w/ my tennis balls in it. In my room is her various sheets of green, pink, and brown laid out on my bed. She's taking over...


Qing the Magician. Eric, Justice.
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Mike, Strength. Luis, Ace of Swords.
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Bryce, the Fool. Woman (self declared new roommate), judgement.
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It's as easy as 1 2 3

I just got back from a friend's place after watching Blow. I had originally asked my friend to come with me, but she did something annoying and I just decided that I didn't want my friend w/ my sane friends (I think its bad to mix the sane w/ the insane).

here's what happen (vent alert):

I ask far in advance for friend to join me and my friends for a movie, namely Blow. She agrees. I then say that we will go right after I work out. An hour later, on the way back from working out, I call her and say that she should be ready soon because I'm on the way back. Then she tells me she's halfway across the Earth and will be at least 45 minutes as she has JUST sat down at Restaurant Halfway Across the Earth to eat. In fact, my roommate and friend had just ordered. Forty-five minutes would be fine except it takes longer than 45 min. to walk halfway across the globe. After calculating just the walking time to get back from halfway across the Earth, not to mention for the food to arrive, be eaten, and paid for, I decided it'd be far too long.

So I ask, "Why are you halfway across the planet when you know we're watching a movie soon?"

"I didn't know when you were going to be back... I thought I had more time."

(at this point im thinking, even if i take 3 hrs to workout, you still cant make it halfway across the globe and back to where we live.)

So I say, "Why didn't you eat somewhere closer, just walking back alone and we'll be super late."

"Well I probably can't make it back then."

"Okay, anyway, i gotta go, bye." click.

Thinking back, to her statement of having more time - I already know in my head that she couldn't believe that she had more time. That leaves several possibilities...

a) she doesn't give a damn.
b) she's purposely trying to get back at me for something and/or she is mad at me for something I may have done/implied/said, yet she has never brought up, so I'll never know
c) she stop liking me and decided fuck it, i dont want him as a friend either.
d) she really did believe she had more time and she's a complete and total ditz.


When people ask me what psycho behavior consists of, this is what I think it is. Of course, its not that big of deal except that it comes with a one-two punch of hot and cold behavior and sporadic withdrawal of affection. The affection returns when I'm talking to an attractive female in public.

I decided to give some easy step by step directions for all those girls who are trying to snatch a quality boyfriend.

1. Be an angel to him, his friends, and his family.
2. Be a devil in bed (think Penelope Cruz in Blow).
3. Be a loyal devil. (i.e. his eyes only)

Bonus Points: Apologize when you fuck up.

What category are you?

I've decided that there are four (+1) types of women when it comes to relationships and dating. While I'm sure there are sub-categories and sub-types, I think this sums it up:

Type#1: Undatable, religiously fanatic. Ultra conservative. Sexually unexciting.
Type#2: Datable, commitment phobic, pseudo-relationship seeking. Sexually adept.
Type#3: Genuinely seeking relationship, commitment, and a rewarding relationship built upon friendship, mutual respect, and good communication. Sexually inefficient and/or unexciting.
Type#4: Psycho.
Type#5: Perfect. Does not exist.

Now I decided to survey my friends to see which type they would like to date...

Friend#1: Personally, I prefer type#3 that isn't sexually "inefficient," but I haven't met one yet.

What about your girlfriend?

I don't know if I can pick her type. What she wants really depends on if she is on her period or not.


Friend#2: Are you kidding! There's only two types of women: ugly and hot. Since I won't do ugly, that only leaves hot and I've never met a hot girl thats not psycho.


Friend#3: Whats the difference between type#4 and the other types?

Rusty

With 3 weeks of downtime, I really didn't expect much. I loaded up a standard screen of four sit n' go'es and I proceed to deny my own fundamentals losing two of them right away w/ ATs to AJ in the relatively early rounds. A hand that I should be patient enough to throw away or lose minimum with. After losing about $120 in sitngo'es I went on to play cash games. Luckily I did okay there and garnered $200. Three weeks of not playing shouldn't put me back too much. Small stakes poker should still be very beatable. It really is hard to tell how rusty I've become.

Cupid, can i borrow your arrow?

I'm a silly boy with a silly crush. This crush is like a psychological disease where relapes are common and often. I know that it is my most enduring and unhealthy crush, but I just don't know how to rid it from me. Talking about it relieves it somewhat in that it makes me realize how absolutely ridiculous and foolish it is. Writing about it now even gives me some perspective. As my friend says about it, "man, you're a fool. period." And every rational part of me agrees entirely. I can even explain how its irrational and senseless, yet its like the guilty pleasure that never leaves you and is always ready to rear its ugly head. Why do I continue to have feelings even if I'm sure she doesn't have the same feelings toward me? Oh, what can I do?

Finding the sane ones in an insane world

Things to find out within the first 3 dates...

1. The person should come from a 2 parent household where both parents communicate well with each other and are relatively happy.
2. The person's household income should be at least middle class or upper middle class.
3. The person's parents should be educated. At least one parent should hold at least a college diploma.
4. There should be no incidents of depression, bipolar, or other mood disorders within the persons immediate family and preferably extended family as well.
5. No incidents of suicide within the immediate family and preferably the extended family.
6. The person should have symmetrical facial features, clean and clear skin, healthy hair, big eyes, medium to large lips, and (in women) a chin that narrows slighly (in men, a strong jawline).
7. The person should be within the norm in height (preferably on the taller side), exercise several times a week, and have a favorable hip-to-waist ratio.
8. The person should be relatively intelligent (as judged by you).
9. The person should not be a registered republican or a religious fanatic unless by sheer accident or youthful ignorance (certain religions such as christianity, or catholicism should be eliminated as much as possible).
10. The person should have a favorable future potential earnings.
11. The person should have a pleasant personality and get along well with closest friends and family.
12. The person should be able to communicate her wants, needs, and desires in a relationship well.
13. The person should be college educated.
14. The person should be void of any genetic disorders or risks. The person should not be a carrier to any genetic diseases that put future children at risk.
15. Alcoholism and drug addiction should not run in the person's family or affect anyone in their immediate family. (The person themselves should not be an alcoholic or drug addict as well)

Many of these criteria are not within the person's control. While these things are not in the person's control, they help to greatly reduce people who are predisposed to having problematic relationships. These criteria also eliminate many poor candidates for raising a family of healthy, intelligent children. Of course, employing strictly to these criteria many eliminate good candidates for raising a family as well, but is much more likely to eliminate poor candidates. For example, a person of good genetic quality and that meets all of the other neccessary conditions may have grown up in a poor environment, but because of his/her positive qualities of endurance of pain, discipline, and resourcefulness may have managed to grow up relatively sane in an insane environment, therefore could still qualify as a good candidate. Because of this it is recommended that these conditions be employed almost all of the time, and be shown flexiblity in light of new information that would suggest the effect of any one of these conditions would be nullified. These are realistic conditions, though hard to come by, and even though I recognize their importance, I do not meet all of these conditions myself.

Tennis is my drug for a lifetime

What is it about tennis that makes me like playing so much? It certainly doesn't make financial sense. Tennis as a sport is relatively more costly than some others. For example, you need quality shoes to protect your feet, rackets, racket strings, large amounts of water, tennis grip wrap, and sunscreen. In addition, I've had to do more laundry since I run out of socks and shirts so quickly. Laundry costs money too! All the expenses add up making tennis just an unrealistic hobby. Unlike poker with potential for monetary gain as well as self-satisfaction, tennis has no potential for monetary gain.

The obvious benefit that I reap is exercise. I know this cannot be the only or true reason that I play tennis since there are many more inexpensive ways to get exercise, such as swimming. Another benefit is competition and competing. But I can get that same feeling from poker or any other sport.

The only think I can think of is how tennis makes me feel. The feelings of pleasure I derive from hitting a well placed shot or a clean passing shot. A crisp volley, a well placed serve, or even a long rally. No wonder they call the center of the racket the sweet spot. Hitting the sweet spot feels so sweet. Tennis is almost like a drug to me. Like all other drugs, it's self destructive in a financial sense, but highly rewarding in the euphoric feelings for the user.

I also think a prerequisite to playing tennis well is coordinating your body to work together. I can think of few sports that require the full and successful coordiation of all the muscles in your body while on the move and watching a moving target. Eye-hand coordination is a premium. Also, its a sport unlike football, that doesn't require brute strength, but a lot and a lot of efficiency. The better you work all your core muscles together, the more accurate and powerful your strokes. For example, to hit a powerhouse forehand, you need very good footwork, knee bend, and the flexing of all your leg muscles at exactly the right timing. The weight shift along with the complete torquing of your upper body then rapid uncoiling of your entire body generates so much power and racket head speed that the tennis ball can be hit at tremendous speeds and still be kept in the court. Strong oblique and durable abdominal muscles as well as back muscles are constantly called upon to generate this kind of power. The feeling I derive from successfully coordinating all my muscles and hitting the sweet spot of my racket is undescribable. Shoulder muslces, rhythm, a lot of leg thrust allows for powerhouse serve. Chest muscles and leg muscles coordinating very quickly due to how fast the ball comes to you while you are at the net is also very difficult. There's such a variety of shots in tennis, it is hard to work on all of it. For example the touch and feel required of hitting a dropshot is completely different from hitting a running forehand yet requires every bit the same muscles used in fantastically different ways. The eye hand coordination, reflexes, and sheer athleticism that goes into each and every shot makes tennis, in my opinion, the most enjoyable sport.

Tennis also teaches discipline. I know of no other sport where not playing punishes you so dramatically. Tennis is a year round sport requiring constant honing. Nobody can coordinate their body so efficiently, move so swifty, or time their shots so accurately without constantly honing those skills. You simply cannot coordinate all the intricate muslces in your body so well without some finetuning. I think there's something musical in the rhythm of tennis.

Another one of tennis's biggest appeals is how important strategy is in tennis. You're constantly playing the percentages. Hitting your high percentages shots as often as possible while forcing the other person to hit low percentage shots. Protecting your territory while widening the opponents. While the actual dimensions of the court does not change much, sound placement and variety of spins can make the court feel like a football stadium. How can you ever reach every ball before it bounces twice when you have that much space to cover? Anticipation, sound strategy, and even an intuitive understanding of game theory would be immeasurably helpful to any tennis player at almost all levels of the game. Only true beginners with barely the ability to strike the ball or direct the ball where they want it would not be able to work much of a strategy. As you improve and add more dimensions and variety to your game, the more strategies you will have available to you. The more you think about how your opponent likes to play versus how you like to play, the more you can match yourself in a way that becomes frustrating to your opponent. I would know how frustrating it is because I've played people who have worked me like a puppet in a puppet show that sometimes you just have to scream and still you'll lose. At the same time the feelings that I derive from working another player with sound strategy is also undescribable. While there will be very few times that you can work an equally skilled opponent like a puppet in a puppet show, the long waits in between and the dream and goal of doing so makes me want to play everyday.

Unlike football or many other sports, tennis is often played into very old age. I can't think of any other sport that holds tournaments for people of age 30+, all the way to 80+ years of age. Strategy and efficiency from sound technique allow even aging players to be ageless on the court. I remember when I was at tennis academy, there was this one 12 year old that could play as well or sometimes even better than I could. He could generate more pace than I could as well as place his shots more strategically. It was scary and shocking watching the ball come off his strings. He simply coordinated all of his body so much more efficiently than me even though I was probably stronger than him in every aspect. Tennis, for me, is a sport I can improve at and play for a lifetime.