Utterly Lost

It's times like these that really test me. I'm sure every college student goes through what I'm going through this entire semester. Why am I in school? Why should I bother studying? What use is it? Will I even remember what I'm studying 5 years from today? 10 years?

Then followed by more questions:

What do I want to do w/ my life? What if I'm just a complete failure and I live off my parents for life? Or forget what I want to do w/ my life, what the heck would I even do after I graduate? Will I graduate at this rate? Is it just a temporary motivational cold that'll pass?

All of these questions not only plague me but they immoblize me. Without direction, I don't see any reason to move. With 10 paths in front of you, why get started on one if you're not sure if it'll take you to the right destination. After all, if its wrong, then you have to walk back over the path, then start over on the new path. So I sit in front of the 10 path fork, and I'm trying to decide what path I actually want to take. Of course, it is impossible for me to do so because I've no idea where I want to arrive. I've no idea what destination I want to hit. I realize I'm not completely sure what my long-term goals are. And I've no short-term goals that can augment my lacking long-term goals.

The funny thing is that I was once so sure of what I would do. I thought I had all the answers. I know I don't, and I always to some degree knew that I didn't have all the answers to life. Imagine that! I don't have all the answers! Uncertainty renders me immobile.

I was reading one of my favorite bloggers opinionistas and her recent entry has really striked me as senseful. All this work we do, does it really matter? But what if we don't do it? All the pseudo stress she puts herself under, and her dedication to her job, is it all worth it? Will she even remember it a few years from now? It also puts into question, just how important is it that we remember the things we do? I mean I must of done many significant things as a baby that makes me capable of walking about today, but I certainly don't remember it.

With graduation fast approaching, after spending basically my whole life in school, the swimming pool imitation of the ocean, I don't know if i can swim in the real world, the salty ocean with pounding waves. All I can do is stand here stunted before a fork of 10+ paths and no game plan. What am i going to do w/ my life?

And sadly I know, I'll still be sitting here tomorrow, pondering the same sad question that I just can't answer. What if I never answer it?