Uninspired, uncertain, lost, confused. Lacking direction is such a painful feeling. I was in such a rush to do everything and now after I stop and just reflect for one second, I don't know where I'm on a rush to. Why graduate so fast? Where am I even going? College today is all about rush rush rush. Then money money money. The purposes of college in our society today serve different purposes today than yesterday. College today is about setting you up to the fast track of monetary and career success. I think once upon a time, there was less pressure to rush toward such success and take your time to absorb the learning process. Then again, I'm doing literally nothing when it comes to school that does it really matter which goal college serves?

I'm caught in a paradox.

On one hand, I fear that I'll be some poor schmuck living off my parents with no financial prospects or the will to find some. Of course, my parents will support me until finally its unbearable. They'll beg me to get a job or do something w/ my life to which I will respond to by getting a job and just being complacent doing the bare minimum (for some reason I think of American Beauty). I'll never earn the six figures neccessary to own your own home and live independently (forget about buying my parents a retirement home). Women who once found me attractive for my wit, charm, and more importantly, future financial prospects will drop me faster than [insert witty analogy here]. Before I know it, my life has become that insertion. I'll not be able to attract those beautiful women and if I do, I can only think she'll act like Penelope Cruz in Blow when her husband lost his fortune. Incessant bitching, complaining, and general discontent. I'll live the rest of my life wondering how I squandered such opportunity.

On the other hand, I fear that I'll be in excellent financial prospects that I'd be willing to sacrifice family, friends, and life in a slow spiral that culminates in me being retired and uncertain why I spent all my life making this crumbly green paper that has no use to me as a person. How is it even possible that this should happen? One of my best friends, Pam, told me about how a successful friend of her boyfriend's hasn't gone on vacation for 3 years and constantly has to turn down work because he is overflowed with work. When he finally goes on vacation, his clients call him begging him to come back and work. They say they'll double his pay, he refuses, they say they'll triple it, then quadruple it, and before you know it, they named the price that he just can't turn down. He skips vacation and flies back. Imagine that you are lying on the beach with the sun beaming on your back while people are running about, volleyball players calling the score behind you, while calm serenity and relaxation all embodying you. Now imagine that you are offered a million dollars to forego such relaxation temporarily. I think that even relaxation is stressful when you know that the opportunity cost of such relaxation is a million dollars or any other large amount to you. Before you know it, 5 years have past, then 10, then 25, and before you know it 60 and you're old and rich and have skipped all of life. You finally stop and decide to reflect only to realize that you've missed all your vacations, and went to all family events with a beeper and a cell phone ready to get out as soon as the cake is cut because you've got multi-millionaire clients urgently needing your attention. Your children, parents, spouse, and all other family will understand you justify, and before you know it, you're working and those thoughts about family and friends just recede into the background.